Thursday, September 29, 2011

How to diaper a baby

Here's what actually happened this morning.

Convince Quint (toddler) that I can change his exceptionally stinky diaper for him before we play play-doh. Haul him to the upstairs changing table which is still missing it's changing pad cover because it's clean but not upstairs yet. Clean up his diaper while fighting with the wipes container which is nearly out and therefore doesn't weigh enough to be able to get the wipes to separate after you pull them out.

Try not to cuss.

Finally get him cleaned up only to realize that there are no toddler diapers on this changing table. You've brought them upstairs, but haven't gotten them this far yet.

Tell Quint not to move one muscle, DO NOT try to climb down from this changing table. Dash to the bedroom to fetch the new package of toddler diapers.

Finish diapering the toddler.

Go play play-doh while the infant (Hank) starts to make mildly distressed noises. I still haven't changed him this morning, though everyone HAS been fed.

Hang up dress shirts out of dryer.

Fetch hangers from our closet.

Finish hanging dress shirts out of dryer.

Clean up play-doh since Quint has left the room to play with something else.

Pick up Hank, who gives me the sweetest smile, and take him to the changing table.

Realize that Hank has had a dirty diaper which has leaked out the top of his diaper onto his shirt and blanket.

Realize that you used the last wipe on Quint.

Try not to cuss.

Think, think, think! Do you have any wipes upstairs? Yes, near the play-doh to help with cleanup. Dash at lightening speed to fetch those.

Start to clean up baby. Get mess all over the plastic changing pad, all over Hank's back, clean it up with wipes and the blanket that's already dirty. Carefully wrap blanket and shirt so that clean sides are outside and bend to put it in the dirty clothes basket under the changing table.

Try not to cuss because the basket is missing. Put the bundle where the basket should be which keeps the mess confined. (A baby gate prevents Quint from disrupting this plan.)

Decide to bathe Hank. Wrap Hank in a clean blanket for transport to the bathtub.

Realize I'll need a diaper nearly as soon as we get out of the tub. Realize the package of infant diapers is empty. Lay Hank on the floor wrapped in his blanket while I open a new package of diapers and while I'm at it, do it right. I empty the new package and put the diapers in my diaper holder box. I do the same for Quint's diapers in the box right beside Hanks.

Turn back to Hank to realize that he has peed while all this happened, but miraculously, it was all caught by the blanket.

Haul Hank to the tub. One glance in the tub confirms that the tub is too dirty for an infant bath. Grab the baby bath soap and move to my bathtub.

Convince Quint that he doesn't need a bath, too. Start to fill the tub which scares Hank because of the noise. Comfort Hank in his pee blanket while testing the water temp with my other hand.

Bathe Hank. Tell Quint not to put his face right beside my elbow while I'm doing, well, anything. Please go somewhere else.

Forbid Quint to add a cracker to the bath water.

Forbid Quint to add a box of crackers to the bath water.

Tell Quint not to sit on the flat of my calves while I kneel to bathe his brother.

Finish bathing Hank, take him out, and start to dry him off. Put on diaper.

Take him back to his room for a fresh T-shirt and sleeper (to keep him warm after his bath.

Wander around for a minute looking for a fleece blanket to keep him extra warm while he's fresh from the bath.

Hear Hank spit up and feel something trickle off my elbow. REALLY?!

Find a burp rag and mop up my arm, shoulder, and Hank's fresh sleeper.

Grab the bouncy, go downstairs with all children to find a fleece blanket. Apply fleece blanket and a bib to Hank.

Turn on VeggieTales Moe and the Big Exit for the third time in three days.



Wish for a real drink. Dr. Pepper will have to do.

Moral of the story is - don't put off doing your chores which includes restocking the changing table, finishing laundry, and cleaning the tub.

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